Left Lane Etiquette

        Has anyone else but me noticed an alarming resurgence in people who violate the left lane etiquette rule? What is that you might ask? Put simply, it is obeying the signs you see on the road (very seldom, unforunately) that state "Slower traffic, keep right". That's it. Not rocket science. Yet, how is it that millions of motorists in this country can't seem to follow that simple rule? I can't seem to answer this question because if I could, I wouldn't be writing this editorial.

How many times have these scenarios happened to you?
  • You're driving swiftly down the interstate in the left lane, with no traffic in the middle and right lanes, only to find some jackass, planted in the left lane doing 68 MPH???
  • Again, driving in the left lane passing traffic, only this time the middle and right lanes are clogged with traffic, and lo and behold, the same jackass from scenario uno, is in the left lane in front of you and has matched the speed of the cars in the middle and right lanes!
  • A variation of scenario #2, you are driving in the left lane with a clear shot, passing traffic in the middle and right lanes, and the same boob cuts you off (obviously because he/she didn't look in their rearview mirror or side mirror to check first) with NO turn signal!!! And then they adopt scenario #2 and match the other lanes' speed!!

If any of these scenarios sound familiar its because you have been the victim of a left lane etiquette violator! Now lets try to analyze this. There could be perfectly plausible reasons why people needed to do one or more of the scenarios. They could be too busy to put down that damn cell phone and actually concentrate on driving. That reason seems to be a more common excuse these days and its getting worse. They could be the leader in an underground Safety Nazi movement to halt people who speed safely on interstates by clogging traffic so they can't use the left lane. (I'm starting to wonder about this reason more and more these days) OR they could be too stupid, clueless, uneducated, misinformed, and careless to pilot a motor vehicle and are masquerading a Cracker Jack prize as a real drivers license. DING DING DING! We have a winner.

Now, there are ways to combat these imbeciles that are prowling our highways. The simplest and most elegant way, in my opinion, is the light flash. You know how it works, you pull back on your turn signal stalk to flash your high beams of your car at the car in front of you. You do this when you're stuck behind one of these left lane hogs and they refuse to move. Unfortunately, in many cases the reason this retard is in the left lane in the first place is because they do not check their mirrors so they may never notice this signal (except maybe if its at night). Or, they may see this signal if they do check their mirrors and get pissy at you. Why I don't know. Or they may actually get the @#$# out of the way. (highly unlikely). Another way to combat these people is to ride their ass. Now, this is a sure way to get in an accident if they get pissed (most likely) and slam on their brakes, or a sure way of getting a ticket if a cop sees you doing it. Furthermore, this is more likely than lights flashing to get the person annoyed and we don't need to get into a road rage discussion here. Lastly, you can do what impatient drivers everywhere (me included) do and pass them in another lane. Now this pisses off all the other slow drivers who have the courtesy to sit in the other lanes because they think you're a jerk for passing in their lanes and driving fast (and probably weaving in and out to get around the jerk in the left lane). They don't realize that its not your fault! If people had a CLUE and didn't sit in the left lane, then there would probably be less accidents from drivers weaving in and out of traffic to get where they're going.

Where is this editorial going? I have no idea. I just can't stand these people who commit this heinous crime against our highway traffic flow. Chances are if you're reading this, you're a car nut and have been enthusiastically nodding your head while reading this because you share my thoughts. HOWEVER if you somehow wandered into my website and you think you might be one of these people, please give yourself a good ass-kicking for me. Ever see the movie "Fight Club"? You know what to do then.